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Most users ever online was 19 on Mon Mar 21, 2011 10:40 am

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» ||~JW Official Clan Thread ~NEW!!!~||
Sun Mar 17, 2013 3:19 am by TurkeysRule

» who is the most annoying player in jw ?
Mon Jul 16, 2012 4:01 am by King_of_Light2

» Word about tahj
Thu Jul 05, 2012 9:52 am by TurkeysRule

» Colder than Snow
Tue May 15, 2012 8:26 pm by flotzy

» "We are Humans"
Mon May 14, 2012 5:49 am by flotzy

» Hidden Paradaise
Sun May 13, 2012 10:32 am by Cursed

» Apps in shit
Tue Apr 24, 2012 3:47 am by MatiUc

» My encounters with the BOT
Sun Apr 22, 2012 6:13 am by SilentZen

» JW Team Shop
Sun Apr 22, 2012 3:30 am by ImChew

Poll

What should the clan focus on next?
46% 46% [ 11 ]
13% 13% [ 3 ]
29% 29% [ 7 ]
4% 4% [ 1 ]
8% 8% [ 2 ]

Total Votes : 24

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Our users have posted a total of 2229 messages in 287 subjects

We have 50 registered users

The newest registered user is justin09295

    Hidden Paradaise

    Share

    SilentZen
    Genin
    Genin

    Posts: 27
    Chakra Points: 6749
    Fame: 6
    Join date: 2011-03-13
    Age: 20

    Role in JW
    Character Name: Minato
    Gender: Male
    World Rank: Commoner

    Hidden Paradaise

    Post  SilentZen on Fri May 11, 2012 6:02 pm

    A story based upon a real life event. A woman who lived in a man's closet for a year.

    Rough Draft: mediafire.com mediafire.com/?ydhcl9q33wpc8a8
    Current Draft: mediafire.com mediafire.com/?jjjajtbwuubh4cg

    Krow.. I need you to peer edit it haha


    Last edited by SilentZen on Tue May 15, 2012 1:11 am; edited 1 time in total

    Cursed
    Hokage
    Hokage

    Posts: 64
    Chakra Points: 8419
    Fame: 3
    Join date: 2010-05-02
    Age: 17

    Role in JW
    Character Name: Commoner
    Gender: Neuter
    World Rank: Commoner

    Re: Hidden Paradaise

    Post  Cursed on Sun May 13, 2012 10:32 am

    Went up to me -><- Came up to me
    --------------------------------
    Akemi, in a moment full of rage, pushed her boss. However, behind the boss was a set of stairs, and the boss tumbled down the stairs. Then at the bottom of the stairs, the boss was screaming in agony.He didn’t move much, but it was clear he was in a lot of pain. -><-
    Akemi , in a moment full of rage , pushed her boss.However , behind him were stairs.Then there he was , at the bottom of the stairs he was screaming in agony.He didn't move much , but it was clear he was in a lot of pain after the long fall.
    ***Just to destroy the repetitive shit(such as using the boss 4 in a short amount of time.***
    ---------------------------------
    If I was in your shoes -><- If I were in your shoes
    ---------------------------------
    When Akemi would be able to get out of prison,-><-When Akemi would get out of prison
    **Not really her choice**
    ---------------------------------
    One day, she noticed a man leaving a house leaving the door unlocked. -><- One day , she noticed a man was leaving his house, leaving/letting the door unlocked
    ***To avoid repetition***
    --------------------------------
    It was almost winter, and although it didn’t snow much, it got really cold in these areas.-><-It was almost winter, and although it didn’t snow much, it got really cold in those areas.
    ***I think those fits better , not sure though***
    --------------------------------
    She stumbled along until she found the kitchen, and saw that it was the cleanest place she has seen so far.-><-She stumbled along until she found the kitchen, and saw that it was the cleanest place she had seen so far.
    ***Not sure again***
    --------------------------------
    The weather was cold out, and the house felt like a paradise.-><-The weather was cold outside, and the house felt like a paradise.
    --------------------------------
    She had found an area in a closet that led to the attic. She brought a blanket with her, and laid on the attic thinking about everything she has lost.-><-She had found an area in a closet that led to the attic. She brought a blanket with her, and laid down thinking about everything she has lost.
    ***REPETITION AVOIDED LIKE A BAWS***
    --------------------------------
    She started to cry until her eyelids felt heavy.-><-She started crying until her eyelids felt heavy.
    --------------------------------
    Hours past -><-Hours have passed
    --------------------------------
    It was the start of a new life that she hope she would be able to enjoy for a very long time.-><-It was the start of a new life that she hoped she would be able to enjoy for a very long time.
    --------------------------------
    Things were going great until one day where she had a close call.

    The day started out like any other day. I waited for Yamamoto to leave before starting her day. Once he left, I started her daily routine. I ate, took a shower, and watched TV. However, this time around, my joyous day would come to end.-><-Things were going great until one day where Akemi had a close call:

    The day started out like any other day. I waited for Yamamoto to leave before starting my day. Once he left, I started my daily routine. I ate, took a shower, and watched TV. However, this time around, my joyous day would come to end.
    **To make the transition between 3rd and 1st person**
    -----------------------------------------------------
    Had a hard time doing this ^_^

      Current date/time is Thu Oct 23, 2014 8:43 pm