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Most users ever online was 19 on Mon Mar 21, 2011 2:40 pm

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» The Beginning
Thu Jan 05, 2017 6:32 am by SilentZen

» ||~JW Official Clan Thread ~NEW!!!~||
Sun Mar 17, 2013 7:19 am by TurkeysRule

» who is the most annoying player in jw ?
Mon Jul 16, 2012 8:01 am by King_of_Light2

» Word about tahj
Thu Jul 05, 2012 1:52 pm by TurkeysRule

» Colder than Snow
Wed May 16, 2012 12:26 am by flotzy

» "We are Humans"
Mon May 14, 2012 9:49 am by flotzy

» Hidden Paradaise
Sun May 13, 2012 2:32 pm by Cursed

» Apps in shit
Tue Apr 24, 2012 7:47 am by MatiUc

» My encounters with the BOT
Sun Apr 22, 2012 10:13 am by SilentZen

Poll

What should the clan focus on next?
46% 46% [ 11 ]
13% 13% [ 3 ]
29% 29% [ 7 ]
4% 4% [ 1 ]
8% 8% [ 2 ]

Total Votes : 24

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    "We are Humans"

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    SilentZen
    Genin
    Genin

    Posts : 28
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    Join date : 2011-03-13
    Age : 23

    Role in JW
    Character Name: Minato
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    "We are Humans"

    Post  SilentZen on Mon May 14, 2012 1:22 am

    The rough draft for "We are Humans!"

    http://www.mediafire.com/?fpdjdk21lbsfid4

    Peer review anyone? Very Happy

    Here's the current draft for it

    http://www.mediafire.com/?20fip25kjs03fp4



    Last edited by SilentZen on Wed May 16, 2012 4:56 am; edited 1 time in total
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    flotzy
    Admin

    Posts : 75
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    Re: "We are Humans"

    Post  flotzy on Mon May 14, 2012 9:49 am

    Critical Analysis of the story~

    Title : Comparatively longer and a bit mainstream. Not particularly catchy, but can be done so with a slight change in wordings.

    Opening : Decent start to make the setting appealing, but makes the reader wonder about the setting/location until he/she is a few paragraphs into the story. This however may act as an element of suspense for the more patient readers. Also, the introduction is a bit too fast even considering the fact it is a short story.

    Flow : The flow from even to event is done well, with appropriate vocabulary used to aid it. Some parts are paced a bit too fast, while a few others are slowed down, but sometimes not at the right times.
    For example, most of the death scenes are too fast, where they would convey more emotion if slowed down, but most of the fighting scenes are slowed down, which bring aggressiveness into the story whose plot is on emotion and hope.

    Vocabulary : The usage of vocabulary is excellent and convey the meaning of the writer to the reader, without making things too complicated for the average person. However, the language is similar to the present, and I personally feel that a new narration style should be developed in the story so that a 'futuristic feel' is inculcated in the story.

    Ending : Lot of emotion and the portrayal of hope is amazing. The series of events leading to it can be paced differently to aid a stronger finishing.

    Originality : Influence from Halo is evident. Try creating a few new names instead for the super soliders and the aliens.

    Overall : A great story which can be read so people take pride in themselves and it could also be used to promote global harmony.
    cheers


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