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Most users ever online was 19 on Mon Mar 21, 2011 2:40 pm

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Latest topics

» The Beginning
Thu Jan 05, 2017 6:32 am by SilentZen

» ||~JW Official Clan Thread ~NEW!!!~||
Sun Mar 17, 2013 7:19 am by TurkeysRule

» who is the most annoying player in jw ?
Mon Jul 16, 2012 8:01 am by King_of_Light2

» Word about tahj
Thu Jul 05, 2012 1:52 pm by TurkeysRule

» Colder than Snow
Wed May 16, 2012 12:26 am by flotzy

» "We are Humans"
Mon May 14, 2012 9:49 am by flotzy

» Hidden Paradaise
Sun May 13, 2012 2:32 pm by Cursed

» Apps in shit
Tue Apr 24, 2012 7:47 am by MatiUc

» My encounters with the BOT
Sun Apr 22, 2012 10:13 am by SilentZen

Poll

What should the clan focus on next?
46% 46% [ 11 ]
13% 13% [ 3 ]
29% 29% [ 7 ]
4% 4% [ 1 ]
8% 8% [ 2 ]

Total Votes : 24

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Our users have posted a total of 2230 messages in 288 subjects

We have 51 registered users

The newest registered user is Pinksodapop16


    Colder than Snow

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    SilentZen
    Genin
    Genin

    Posts : 28
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    Age : 23

    Role in JW
    Character Name: Minato
    Gender: Male
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    Colder than Snow

    Post  SilentZen on Wed May 16, 2012 12:04 am

    A prequel to "It's raining.."

    http://www.mediafire.com/?bbull3946jtewi3
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    flotzy
    Admin

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    Re: Colder than Snow

    Post  flotzy on Wed May 16, 2012 12:26 am

    Quick Suggestions~

    Try to keep a continuity in first person. For example,

    I woke up to find himself laying on a hard bunkbed. He was in a room filled with many

    other bunkbeds as well. He looked around and saw many various kids sleeping. He noted the

    many different races of children, since he hasn't seen many foreigners in back at his orphanage

    in Tokyo. Then it occurred to him that he was no longer at the orphanage.

    "Where am I?" he muttered.

    Since the story is in first person, 'he' is kinda out of place.


    Also, try to be a bit more descriptive whenever new people or places are introduced. Hirro is called beautiful, but try describing her appearance!

    The grammar is great, and needs little help.


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