Jinchurikki Warriors

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In total there are 2 users online :: 0 Registered, 0 Hidden and 2 Guests :: 1 Bot

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Most users ever online was 186 on Sun Jul 25, 2021 6:48 pm

Top posters

AnimE_FeveR (314)
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naruto_owns77 (250)
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King_of_Light2 (149)
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abhishekj (102)
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TurkeysRule (100)
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Yondaime-Hokage (92)
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Sir Jesse (80)
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flotzy (75)
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Latest topics

» The Beginning
Colder than Snow EmptySun Jan 15, 2023 7:07 pm by Cursed

» ||~JW Official Clan Thread ~NEW!!!~||
Colder than Snow EmptySun Mar 17, 2013 7:19 am by TurkeysRule

» who is the most annoying player in jw ?
Colder than Snow EmptyMon Jul 16, 2012 8:01 am by King_of_Light2

» Word about tahj
Colder than Snow EmptyThu Jul 05, 2012 1:52 pm by TurkeysRule

» Colder than Snow
Colder than Snow EmptyWed May 16, 2012 12:26 am by flotzy

» "We are Humans"
Colder than Snow EmptyMon May 14, 2012 9:49 am by flotzy

» Hidden Paradaise
Colder than Snow EmptyFri May 11, 2012 10:02 pm by SilentZen

» Apps in shit
Colder than Snow EmptyTue Apr 24, 2012 7:47 am by MatiUc

» My encounters with the BOT
Colder than Snow EmptySun Apr 22, 2012 10:13 am by SilentZen

Poll

What should the clan focus on next?
Colder than Snow I_vote_lcap46%Colder than Snow I_vote_rcap 46% [ 11 ]
Colder than Snow I_vote_lcap13%Colder than Snow I_vote_rcap 13% [ 3 ]
Colder than Snow I_vote_lcap29%Colder than Snow I_vote_rcap 29% [ 7 ]
Colder than Snow I_vote_lcap4%Colder than Snow I_vote_rcap 4% [ 1 ]
Colder than Snow I_vote_lcap8%Colder than Snow I_vote_rcap 8% [ 2 ]

Total Votes : 24

Statistics

Our users have posted a total of 2230 messages in 288 subjects

We have 51 registered users

The newest registered user is Pinksodapop16


2 posters

    Colder than Snow

    SilentZen
    SilentZen
    Genin
    Genin


    Posts : 28
    Chakra Points : 23929
    Fame : 6
    Join date : 2011-03-13
    Age : 29

    Role in JW
    Character Name: Minato
    Gender: Male
    World Rank: Commoner

    Colder than Snow Empty Colder than Snow

    Post  SilentZen Wed May 16, 2012 12:04 am

    A prequel to "It's raining.."

    http://www.mediafire.com/?bbull3946jtewi3
    flotzy
    flotzy
    Admin


    Posts : 75
    Chakra Points : 23364
    Fame : 3
    Join date : 2011-07-22

    Colder than Snow Empty Re: Colder than Snow

    Post  flotzy Wed May 16, 2012 12:26 am

    Quick Suggestions~

    Try to keep a continuity in first person. For example,

    I woke up to find himself laying on a hard bunkbed. He was in a room filled with many

    other bunkbeds as well. He looked around and saw many various kids sleeping. He noted the

    many different races of children, since he hasn't seen many foreigners in back at his orphanage

    in Tokyo. Then it occurred to him that he was no longer at the orphanage.

    "Where am I?" he muttered.

    Since the story is in first person, 'he' is kinda out of place.


    Also, try to be a bit more descriptive whenever new people or places are introduced. Hirro is called beautiful, but try describing her appearance!

    The grammar is great, and needs little help.

      Current date/time is Mon Mar 18, 2024 7:11 pm